Don’t read it. Just venting some shit to control overthinking and all. im not here for sympathy and all.
My problem is mumbling. Clg ma yei bolna naskerei bully bhaye. Tespaxi i decided to not join bachelor without improving it ( ramro saga aru ko jasto normally bolna sakne bhayera matra clg janxu banne thiyo) so I took gap year..aaile ni harek choti bolda bistari bolna khojira hunxu tara everytime i end with mumbling everytime i failed yesle mero mental health next level ma purai sako.
Clg ma ( 12 class) bully bhayera ghar( room with dai, didi) aauthe and ma ghar aayera sure paddina the..and my dai, didi be like padhinas yeta uta which was obvious . There is my cousin and kaile kahi room ma aako bela kura garthim..and i used to say him malai clg jana maan lagdaina yrr..sathii haru koi bhayenan and alll and same time my dai was like natak garxas.sathii kina chiayo. Clg ma ni ekklei last ma koi saga naboli basthe. Im bullied by saying ” garib and all” and yes i was so dumb and i still think im dumb. Ma valley bahira bata aako South Indian movie herera hurkeko nepali geet sunera badeko..malai Hollywood and all ko kei mi idea thiyana..ani mero class ma sabai jana Richie everyone is different form me like mero kura koi saga mildaina thiyo so class ma depressed type ekklei jhokrayera basira hunthe..ani yo sab bhaye ni ghar aauthe ghar ma usalei loneliness ( dai, didi saga not close..khana khanaa aaijha..yo ghat yo garr bahek aru kei kura hundaina.)
Dai, didi ko aagadi kaile ni padhna sakina cause ma ghar ma huda ekklei basera padheko manxe ho..if ghat ma kaile kahi koi pauna aaye bhane and ma padhira thiye bhne ma padhna xoddinthe..malai kasaile padhira ko raixa..and all bhaneko or smth this bhaneko pachdaina thiyo like this room ma dai didi ko aagadi kaile padhn sakina. Clg bata aaye paxi room ni euta kura ma mobile samtera clg ko jastai para ma basira hunthe. They be like padh..padhinas..naatak garxas talai k puraunu pareko ra jhokrayera baseko and all ani sometimes they be like bhaat ni pakaidinu pareko xa.. hospital ni lagdinu pareko xa…yeso ni gardinu pareko xa usso ni gardinu pareko and they maked me feel like maile garda uni haru lai garoo bhaye type like ” GARDIRAkHEKO XAN” “GARDINU PAREKO XA” these words makes me feel atti nei torii.
Clg bully huthe aafulai defend garna sakdina the cause bolda kheri aadkinthe and jhan they makes joke of it. So kei boldina the ani ghar ma yo sab.
Tei bhara mumbling problem nahatai bachelor join gardina bhanera gap liye. aaile study room ma aayera padhira xu tei ni padhna sakira xoina ( cause aaile ni everytime i mumble what i talk with people) so aaile ma teti koi saga ni boldina..room ni bela bela ma physo behora dekhaira hunxu..acchel tyo sab +2 ko kura samjhirako hunxu..dai didi ko anuhar dekha ni ris utha specially boleko maan mei pardain…kasaile thulo sor gareko sunnei sakdina ..dai, didi lai hero ki din nei bigrinxa atti mei physco hunxu…bela bela atti nei aafulai atti nei behave garira ko xu jasto lagxa..aaja bholi jhan kasailai kei bhanna khojda boli nei aaudaina so kura le ramro saga padhna ni sakira xoina. Din haru waste garira xu jasto lagira xa. Yettikei dai didi saga tatira hunxu…jhan bolda kheri mumble bhaye bhane aafnei anuhar sanuhar futauna maan lagxa.. mental health fucked up.koi saga relation ramro xoina na parents saga nei ramro saga bolna maan lagxa..na koi sathii haru saga nei bolira xu…kaile kahi aba ta bolna mei birsi sake jasto lagxa…damii pahdera ramro rank layera aaile samma napako ijjat ghar samja bata pauxu bhanera motivate bhaira hunxu tara yo sab beluka room gaye paxi ra tei room tei dai didi ko kura and all yaad aauxa and all le garda feri bholi ustei so padhai ni focus xoina, consistently padhira xuina. Khai ma kun direction tira gaira xu tha xoina.
Ps: and what i think is if ma dai, didi ko thau ma bhako bhaye ni tei garthe hola and mero thau ma tini haru bhako bhaye ni yei nei garthe.
Insecurity, Overthinking and Mumbling this are my cause of unhappiness.
Geda jasto jindagi.
Idk what to say but best of luck for your future endeavors buddy.