Positivity/Stoicism gone wrong

I’ll try to make this easy for you to read.

* Started positivity/stoicism thing 2 months ago. (2 months of this won’t get me far. I know but I want a small visible change)
* Refrained from anything that would make me “depressed” for the lack of a better word.
* Tried to follow every mindful thing. But ultimately dimag nai thik chhaina vane k nai garna sakinchha ra.
* I have only told about me being “depressed”(again for the lack of a better word, since I am not addressing this in my case) to few people. One being a friend who is no longer in my life. Another being a family member who is not much close to me emotionally right now. And lastly my friend from college who knows about all this.
* I talk to this college friend about how I am not doing well once every 1 or 2 months.
* Yes, once every month or so I have this unbearable pain that builds up for that entire month. All the negativity and anger and disgust just becomes unimaginably hard to swallow.
* But something changed, I think she got tired of me telling her things.
* I sensed that, so I started listening more, I asked her how she was doing. She said if she can’t study well, her mental health goes bad too. She said that she wanted to study for a while and this implied that she didn’t want to listen to me.
* I respected her boundary and decided not to contact her.
* Now, the thing with her is that she is single and she has very high expectations for her “to-be partner”. She has specific things that she wants that I cannot have, both physically and emotionally. I knew this since the first time I met her. So, I never tried to approach her in any way.
* But since she is the only one I’m talking to, she has become somewhat close to me. Not in a one sided attraction way though. I just admire her for being helpful.
* But she mentioned that she likes another person. Which is sad since, she is the only close person to me.
* But I understood that and I respected her boundary too. i am actively trying to get over the fact that she likes another person. I am doing good, I can assure you on that.
* Since, I am on this positivity/stoicism path, I cannot let my emotion rule over me. Emotions such as this.
* I am working out, voraciously programming, also preparing for an on going exam. Also, preparing for a job.
* All of this is because of the positivity path I am on.
* But it all shattered when one of my friend started having mental problem too. In all good way, he is a better person than me. He is a brilliant student. He is very good looking and compassionate person.. I wish I could be like him someday in regards to his maturity and resolve.
* Basically he suits her(the friend that I am talking to) type.
* Thing is that she jumped on the train to help him with all the help he is supposed to get. She is giving him all the advice that she never gave to me. All the care he needs.
* Maybe that is pretty privilege. Or the [halo effect](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halo_effect).
* I am having the same unimaginable pain that I go through every time, right now.
* Maybe it is because of the fact that, I’m insufferable. Yeah, maybe.. Or because someone else is getting things that I also was supposed to get.
* I feel bad for my friend for having mental problem. He must get through this. But the fact that he is getting the support that I too was supposed to get is making this difficult.
* I can’t believe that I wanted to KMS few months ago. And I fixed myself to the point where I could k\*ll to get things done to improve myself.
* But today is different, I feel that pain again. I hope I get through this till morning.
* What would you do to get beyond this point? I don’t want to go back again. I want to move ahead of this.

View on r/Nepal by CombinationOne402