National Suicide Prevention Day

TW: Talked about suicide and self harm

I don’t remember much from that day. It was Baishakh 28, 2078.

If you are one of those who feel like “suicide is selfish, aajkal ka bachha laai yestaai k k ho” then you can block me but please don’t leave a hate comment.

When I was about 15, I suddenly started feeling weird and scared almost all the time. That was new since, I was a bubbly ambiverted kid who participated in every debates, oratory and even anchored during parents day when there were nearly 1000 people. Suddenly, I was scared to raise my hand in grade 11 to ask questions. It simply started this way. Suddenly, I was tired frequently and frustrated as well. I started getting anxious for no reasons. Sometimes, I’d cry like ten to fifteen times a day and sometimes I’d be numb and won’t cry for like three to four months. My grades went downhill. I scored 3.85 in SEE and 3.19 in grade 11. My parents were stressing out too but I had no idea what was happening. I knew answers to the questions but when I’d start writing, I would forget everything. It became even worse during the lockdown when I was in grade 12. I completed grade 12 with pretty average gpa and joined computer engineering.

I don’t even remember what happened in those few months of gap. I would rarely get out of my room and even bed at times. I’d say I was studying or make some excuses. I’d go days without brushing and even showering. I used to eat alone. Bihana aru vanda chitto khayera vada majthye ani kotha ma aauthye ani beluka saab khaaisakexi maatrai janthye. Ma khaja pani khassai khadina thye. Padhiraxa vanera maamu haru ley kei lyaaidia nii vok lagya xaina vanthye. Kailey online class vanthye kailey saathi sanga question answer discuss gareera ho vanthye. Since, I was pretty good kid, they would believe me. Yesto huda hudaai, I started feeling even more scared and anxious about everything. Mailey sikaideko saathi haru ley ma vanda badi gpa lyaaexi ta ma jhan k vaaye k. I started feeling like failure. I come from a joint family and I was the oldest of my generation. I was the kind of cousin people would set example about. Ani jasley phone garey pani “Padhaai ka pugyo? Mero chhora chorri lai nii timi jastai gyani, padhney banaideuna” vanna thalexi ta ma jhan k vaaye k.

I remember feeling worthless, scared and ugly. And one day I suddenly started feeling suicidal. Kaasto mardim mardim laagney. Ma bachyo vaney ta jhan ghar ko manxey ko paisa nii sakkinxa, ijjat pani jaanxa jaastai hunthyo ani on one of those days I tried to jump off the terrace. Jhandai 4 talla bata jump garera taala stone ma bajariyo vaney ta ma bachney aas nai hudaina nii samma plan garisakya thye. I’d thought about the ways to die before but at that moment I literally planned everything. The only reason I kinda stopped was because baba called me to help him fix some stuff and that was pretty urgent. After that day, I kinda realized everything that was happening to me wasn’t normal.

Two years later, I’m on medicine and therapy. Although, I’m still not perfectly fine, I’m living rather than existing. To everyone reading this, “You are loved, cherished and cared for. You just haven’t met all the people who are going to love and cherish you. You’re not alone.”

Thanks for reading!!

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