First of all let me make this clear, I am not endorsing this idea in any way. This is just my little rant.
If in case this one gets longer than I initially planned, there will be a tl;dr at the end.
I never thought I would turn out this way. Even though my exams are at their peak right now, I still couldn’t shake this thing from my head and had to make a full rant about it for some probably ocd-ish reason. This wasn’t the me I was visualizing as a child. In fact I never had a vision of future me as a kid. People as younglings apparently have this rough idea of what kind of person they want to be as they grow up but I never could give it a thought. Even when I would consciously want to think about that, all that would come to mind is “thulo manxe banne ho”. Nothing more, no willingness to think further. And no I wasn’t the “live in the present” kind of person either. Now that I look back in retrospect, I was essentially devoid of the whole concept of time. I was neither living in the present, nor thinking about later, and I definitely don’t remember much about my past because I’ve been so absentminded throughout my childhood. Currently I can’t even wrap my head around how my thought process would have been as a kid. All I have as “memories” are the marksheets that say I got 95 or whatever percentages in elementary grade but I don’t remember shit about all those years. It’s to a point where I’m inclining towards a belief that I have dementia of some kind.
But leaving that part of the story, I am here now. Doing undergrad in whatever subject I could get my name out in, without having a clear desire in anything at all. At the end of grade 12, I was given two choices; well there was only one but I could decide to not take the choice. The choice was made by literally everyone around me. My studies had led me to this point. A decent SEE grade along with a +2 in Bio could only mean one thing: MBBS. But that was probably when I started to get a grip on myself. Where was I? What was I doing all along? The realization finally hit me that I was so far behind everyone. When I talked to my the-then colleagues in grade 12 about what they’d do right after, they’d have an effortless answer at their disposal but I’d have to take a pause to think but then make something up my arse because I sincerely had no clue. When presented with the only option, I started thinking, researching possible career options and all but nothing got me intrigued at all. I started to imagine what life would be like if I studied MBBS. I couldn’t see myself being able to handle the heat. So I looked at the only relevant alternative (at least to the Nepali eye), engineering.
Despite not actually having a clear interest in anything, I could at least dampen the horrors of my would-be future as a doctor, whose weight of profession I as a person, am not built to withstand, or so I thought, I’d never know at least. I probably even asked here in this subreddit about which of the new options to choose. I couldn’t give a thought to going abroad though. I saw a ton of my classmates, childhood friends and basically 50% of who I know of my generation, just fly soon after +2 ended. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was too scared. I couldn’t convince my family even if I tried. I wasn’t mature enough, not ready by far. So I stayed. Maybe in the next 4 years I will be ready, is what I said to myself.
Maybe in the next 4 years, I would build myself a support system to be able to sustain outside. Maybe I’d garner enough of the skills I lack to finally fit in with the international standards. Maybe I would have a robust network by the end of those years whom I could rely on in case I had some turmoil.
I had never tried alcohol before grade 11, and by the end of that grade, I tried it for the first time, and I didn’t drink my second glass until 1 year later. Maybe that was just me opening up. Liquor was an idea I had not rejected even as a kid, well a teen. With classmates, we’d talk about how alcohol is fine, sometimes hookah isn’t too bad but never in my life will I pick up a cigarette. And everyone agreed back then. Perhaps I was the only one who broke that vow, maybe everyone did. I’m not in touch with them as much currently to know the real answer to that. But after grade 12 ended and it was time for me to join the preparation classes for medical entrance, I had my first puff. If it was your friends whose company made you do such you would call it “peer pressure” but for me I had my first one with one of my relatives. So let’s call it “blood pressure”. Quirky, I know.
And off I headed to the capital of Nepal, and by some luck and will, I stayed with the same relative during my time there, since they were already doing a course in a college in ktm. During that time, I had become a regular. At some point during the beginning, I remember myself counting the number of cigs I would take because I didn’t want that number to cross 100 in my life or something. I had only taken it up as a form of recreation. But soon the company I had turned it into an addiction. The engineering and medical entrances went by and surely, my rank in both would lean me towards engineering. In the very first week, I had found a circle to smoke in. At this point I hadn’t realized and maybe I even wasn’t addicted. I’d have a cig once every few days and sometimes go weeks without any. Even in my whole first year, I didn’t average more than 2/3 per week. But as I entered the second, holy shit. I can’t even remember at what point I started keeping packets upon packets in my room because somehow I needed to burn one before I went to sleep. What was an entirely social event for me had suddenly become my friend in the darkness. At 1/2 am right before sleep, after getting the hit I would finally be able to sleep like a log. Before the second year, it was a medium for me to socialize which would normally be not possible, even more so with me lacking so many essential interpersonal skills of communication, empathy, charm and reliability. I liked that about the occasional smokes, that it would create some bondings.
Now at this time and stage, I have been thrown back to the ground with the same lack of intimacy with anyone, an overarching feeling of being left alone all the while having a long paper stick in my hand that seems to rid me of all those thoughts for some minutes and help me calm down. It doesn’t talk to me. It certainly doesn’t listen to me, but it does exactly what I want it to do. Give me the warmth that I’ve now starting to believe I’m incapable of experiencing from somewhere else. And it does that because I set it on fire. It feels like I’m a sadist when we try to personify a cig but I don’t have schizophrenia so that wouldn’t bother me much. It feels like it has become my cane without me realizing anything. At what point did I turn into this person? Was I always like this?
I’m going home after exams end, and I won’t have these things in my hands as frequently when I’m there but I can’t believe I turned from this person who used to hate the smell of smoke with passion, and every single person who took up a cig, to a person whose day is not complete without it. Sooner or later I will get rid of this, but the bigger issue here is a lack of social skills and this utter manifestation of a 0 EQ being lagging behind everyone in every aspect of life.
This friendship will break too, just like everything else before. But with all said and done, I see a very grim walk of life ahead. This makes me even more scared of going out of country than I was when I finished +2.
Wow I didn’t think it would be this long. Guess I just went with a stream instead of just the flow.
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TL;DR: Used to hate smoking and smokers, started having puffs to improve social life, now the only friend I have is this piece of paper with crushed dried leaves inside. Will it always be this way?
Related:
23M, A single child of working parents.I Lived my life in kathmandu for 18 years(just for the context).
I just read this post and i found how similar peoples lives could be.
Before my SLC, I was an extrovert; talkative kid but only in a group of certain friends. Then i happened to join St.Xaviers and what happened to me there was not what i expected. I was lost in abyss, my socialization skills plummetted and i found myself where i couldn’t even talk to my friends abouty life and my dreams. +2 Went by being a biology student i had options of doing MBBS but i didn’t even joined the prep classes. I wanted to study but didn’t know which field i want to choose. I had my brother who had just passed out of pulchwok and i thought i would prepare for entrance but didn’t attend the classes tho coz i was too depressed to go out and join classes. I lied to my parents and prepared from home. I got 4000+ merit rank and my parents were shocked my relationship with my parents went bad. I brokeup withy then girlfriend as she went to australia.
I didn’t know what to do and my senior at college recommend me to prepare for agriculture so i did and got in there.
But in govt. College the scene was different.
There were no regular lectures and nothung to study printed notes and one night fight strategy would help me to get throught each semester.My friends used to smoke and drink but i didn’t drink regularly and never smoked but. One day i took a puff from my friends packet of cigarette and then it was my friend. I smoked occasionally : usually while drinking with friends but then i started drinking heavily and smoked like an addict.Every time i was alone i lit one. And most of the time i was alone. i had no social skills. The extrovert me was dead and i turned myself to an introvert. Alcohol and cigarettes became my friends.Funfact: is that i don’t smoke much when i am in kathmandu. But in my college i switch automatically . I wasn’t fortunate to have a stable relationship with females too and had self doubt.
I never call my old friends they tried to reach out but i never called them or anything. The new me had no guts to tell what i have been; i still think my old friends would be surprised and judgemental of new me. So here i am now a low self-esteemed guy about to finish undergrad and not knowing what to do. Now i know one thing; I need to rediscover myself and change. I have suffered from depression, anxieties, panic attacks and addictions and i know for sure i don’t want them in my life nomore.
P.S I still smoke cigs. I don’t know why i wrote in this comment but i related way too much and could stop sharing me story.
I started smoking to take a break from monotonous shifts at work. I smoked alone. While smoking I would look at the puffs of smoke. The patterns I saw in the smoke were beautiful. I think cigarette breaks are a great way to wind down.
I don’t think smoking cigarettes is a problem. Rather I think not setting other healthy habits is a problem. I recommend you to set other habits that you can enjoy.
You are the man.
Probs for sharing.
I have the same problem: I in contrast to most people I am a curious extrovert.
But i am misplacing something and my communication is shit in social surrounding.
My cigarette puff, is trying to divert my mind forcefully with porn, YouTube TikTok.
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1 thing that destroyed my life compared to what could: looking at pieces that makes my character.
Confident was massively needed to do what I like and stand out and making friends.
I just had a bad home situation that helped me to become an overthinking, scared coward.
But I also am a curious-lets try new thing, let’s imagine. Lets be progressive, lets be dynamic lets think/do out of the the box.
Just come with a new idea and let’s do it.
And while doing let’s be gentle, let’s vibe artistically, funny, not serious or serious.
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Lately, I don’t know how and when, but for being 23.
I destroyed my self, I am not even sharp as I was, I can’t even remember as I could, I can’t type as I could. I even can’t talk fluently as I did. Furthermore, I am a mess. And need to leave my house soon and start again. After beginning working.
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I am shit in social life, I found the answer, the what now have to solve it.
Otherwise I have to go for cigarettes to be able to fall asleep and get my life back in line.
Here is what:
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This is 50-50, sometimes I am just blank and invisible and unable to talk or make impression. Or have a decent long conversation.
Other times. I have a great impression and talks when I know just **get to know someone new or make new friends**, the 1st 2-3 meeting I can just talk about anything I know and knew, and make it interesting, fun, storylike. But by the character who i am, i can just freestyle insights and connect the dots and say something different and just not come off was weird.
But then there is a problem, only my 2-3 meeting is good, after that it is downhill shit and i only come off as weird and needing effort to listen person.
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I just can’t talk or recall, I need a specific situation to talk about. To be able to talk, i just need something that comes from my mouth. Which means something I did, see, think or read about, but nothing comes at that moment in social surroundings.
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If i for example lived with my grandparents instead and grown up to be a confident person. I would be the mature, confident guy who pushes his social circle to do something.
In life I’m an idea person and dot connector. So I could maybe be able to talk in the let’s do and go to something environment, Then by having frequent interactions in a dynamic moment i could learn to talk better in a static or not moving social environment.
Where I am now, I am blank in a static social environment. I can’t come up with anything. And forced to come up with something which is so mismatched and weird.
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So I have the problem of i can’t talk about anything in front of social or dig/flow about anything.
Then I have to forcefully talk tings up to have at least some sentences of interactions.
And this i where I mess up with coming with weird or long, unexpected talks, topics or insights.
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But then I also miss the natural thing, if you talk naturally you also have natural silence.
Like when you both suddenly just swipe phone and shut up.
But because i had no natural talk, i don’t get the natural silence and the timing between me and other persons is so mismatched. That i suddenly look like a weird person that talks too much or unnecessary.
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And even then when you think to talk limited after some bad impressions.
You still miss the timing when you had to say the right thing and have a nice talk/impression, because your head just can’t come with the talk at all.
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Like having dinner at a restaurant, I am then fucked. And like an introvert.
But when we are doing something or going at something new, my progressive forward-thinking brain can make a good impression, but that moment is limited. As that is done, very, very limited time. Same when I learn a new person, for me, it isn’t a restaurant talk it is a new person so lot of curiosity and new experience, so talk going well. But that will change later.
I can only do something new or progressive limited because I have limited amount of busy friends, who then also won’t be convinced to do something dynamic or adventurous or new. So after being ignored, the most dynamic or half dynamic thing I was in is where I just followed someone else invitation.
Reminds me of my days in college. Smoking made me friends, smoking made me senior connections local connections. But most of all i enjoyed smoking alone. The connections for me was just the happy side effect. I was also one of those guys who always had a pack. You know the one you can always come to when youre out of your pack of cigs at 2 am and expect to find plenty of cigs with. Made me quite popular with the smokers. Of course i hated sharing cigs but i never really said no. I knew what it felt like not getting cigs when youre desperate for one at 2. Anyway i quit. I have quit a couple of times before and relapsed. This time so far i dont really feel the need or want to even start as of yet. All in all, i have no regrets. I enjoyed smoking and i did it because i enjoyed it. Maybe a cancer or two might make me regret it i dont know.
Get a pet cat.
Weird but I enjoyed reading this. This is so well put and sounds rhetoric.
We all have our setbacks and mistakes. Don’t drag yourself down for it. As a man everything is your responsibility and yours only. Like a chess, if you are not where you want to be in life, somewhere in the past, you made the wrong move somewhere. The first thing I would suggest is you to is to remove that ‘I am eventually going to break this habit’ mentality. Saying that to yourself you are essentially waiting for the right moment to break it not realizing that everything what’s going to happen from now on has direct association with smoking since it is part of your life and since every decision and consequences are made from smoking and using smoke as a coping mechanism, you’ll never be able to break it. Stop abruptly. The only thing you can control in this world is your mind. Be the master of it and don’t let it drag you down.Regarding lagging behind in life, what makes you think you are lagging behind? Is it the career? Money? Abroad life? Friends who post instagram story in weekend’s after working in a depressing job from Monday to Friday? You are still young and you got time in your hand. Utilize it. Only you have the ability to do something in your life. There is not going to be any help. No handouts and no sympathy from anyone.Alot of people these days has this idea that happiness should be constant and happiness is required to function in life. That’s not the case. Happiness is the byproduct of stress and hardwork. Social media wants to sell you that happiness is required and the goal is to always be happy constantly. Do you think if happiness was achieved constantly, humans would’ve strived for progress and struggles? Everything is going to cause you pain. Remove the idea that everything has to be perfect for me to initiate anything. Your reaction to things is going to determine what the outcome is going to be. You see grim life ahead of you because you chose to see that way. Everything that’s happening around you is the direct response of your reaction. You chose to believe that you lack intimacy but smart enough to acknowledge it. You chose to believe that smoking is the only thing that’s giving you comfort. You chose to believe all those stuffs. It’s all coming from inside you. Everything outside is the reaction of what’s coming from within you.
Smoking is a nasty habit. There are people who are dying of cancer and would do anything to be in your timeline and in your situation to stop smoking there and then. So do it for yourself. You owe it to yourself. If there’s a serious health issues, forget about this idea of ‘catching up’ with others, you’d be trying to catch up with hospital bills and medical bills. Your future partner deserve someone who is healthy and supportive all the time. Do it for your future yourself. Set yourself straight on things you know is bad, everything else will fall in place.
I had my own fair share of problems in life and I went through a period of serious anxiety and depression and took me out of who I was and made me a completely different person which I didn’t realize until a therapist pointed it out to me after I came to UK. After I left the therapy hospital room, I realized that everything is my reaction and I won’t let this life go to waste. I chose to do excruciating hard work and never gave an excuse to myself or made it a cope out. I now am part owner of a bio tech company that uses AI to diagnose cancer and we just signed multi million dollar contract with our partner. All this in 1 year time. Life comes to you fast but you have to prepare. Be prepared to duck and weave and keep in mind that the only way you need to go forward is to remove what you know is bad for you. Whatever it takes. Stress doesn’t come out of blue. It happens when you had the power to change certain things but you didn’t. Keep that in mind. You got this